It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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