My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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