he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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