last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
