dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
