So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have feelings that need drinking.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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