he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
