he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
