Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I need to stop coming to work sober
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
