woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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