Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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