well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
