my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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