I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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