I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
