my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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