yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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