I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize