I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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