The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
