woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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