my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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