i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
