Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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