I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
