My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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