I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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