I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
soo... how was my night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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