my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
