i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
