1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize