Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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