Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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