Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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