Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dignity is for republicans.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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