I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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