i just wanna soil my oats bro
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
