Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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