I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
