So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize