So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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