Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize