Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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