just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
