So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
