If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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