I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
