I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think my moral compass just broke
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
