you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
