im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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