In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
