I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
