shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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