I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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