yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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