he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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